No Motivation.

My blog! So it's a Tuesday afternoon and I had nothing really to do, no more YouTube videos to watch, and suddenly I thought, my blog! I haven't been on that in a while!

If you are not aware, I'm a video blogger on YouTube and I haven't made a video in about a week. Although this may not seem very long, it seems more like two weeks to me, which is, of course, a lot longer. I suppose the reason that I haven't made a video yet is because I'm feeling really conflicted, I feel like I don't know where I'm at. To be honest, I would make a video about all this, as I have plenty of inspiration right now; emilythebravee's recent video, 'Not Brave' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAJODUPVF9A) and its various video responses. A video by godsteeth1911 titled 'This is Me', (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhnlvS66Vgc), which I found after it was tweeted by Alex Day. And, most recently, a video by pekstopher, called 'I like myself' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiIgtGKF3zY), which I think is just amazing, and I completely agree with her. (If you haven't watched any of these video's, watch them all now). So, I could quite easily make a video response to any one of these, but I haven't. One of the reasons being, I would have no way to make it make sense. It would be totally confused, I wouldn't understand what I was talking about, and would probably just ramble. I could plan it out, think about what I would say, but then I'd feel like it wasn't what I was truly feeling, it was a concise, condensed version of how I really feel about myself, and not the rawness that I personally would prefer to hear from. The thing is, anyway, I don't know what I would really say, because as I have mentioned before, I don't really know myself or what I'm ever thinking, properly.

Even now, I'm pretty sure, everything I just typed cannot make any sense to anyone, because it certainly doesn't make sense to me. But let me just take you into one of the less obscure parts of my mind. I am very unmotivated. During the summer I was meant to be starting with my EPQ (extended project qualification), and with one week left of summer, I have done pretty much nothing. I am really interested in the subject that I was proposing to do it on, film adaptation, but I had to make it more concise. However, I have spent no time on it, and now I feel it is way too big for me to do it all in just one week, and the only reason I haven't done it is because I've been too lazy. This saddens me just writing it, because I am so disappointed in myself. I know I am just giving up because I know I won't even make any sort of effort this last week because of the fear that I won't have done enough anyway, and don't have a plan of any sort, so I will be told by the teachers that I can't do it anymore. This would mean a whole wasted week on it. So I am giving up and blaming it on the fact that I need to concentrate on my A levels because I didn't do as well as I'd hoped at AS level. Like a coward.

There. I could go into many other things, like how everyone feels they are different from everyone else, whereas I suspect many people think in the exact same way, and feel exactly the same as the person sitting opposite them on the tube, but really, we'll never know, because we can't read minds. However, that is far too big, as is everything that I am feeling at this exact moment, or the next, or the next, to fit into this one blog. Plus, I'm far too lazy to even think about writing it all out anyway.