No Motivation.

My blog! So it's a Tuesday afternoon and I had nothing really to do, no more YouTube videos to watch, and suddenly I thought, my blog! I haven't been on that in a while!

If you are not aware, I'm a video blogger on YouTube and I haven't made a video in about a week. Although this may not seem very long, it seems more like two weeks to me, which is, of course, a lot longer. I suppose the reason that I haven't made a video yet is because I'm feeling really conflicted, I feel like I don't know where I'm at. To be honest, I would make a video about all this, as I have plenty of inspiration right now; emilythebravee's recent video, 'Not Brave' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAJODUPVF9A) and its various video responses. A video by godsteeth1911 titled 'This is Me', (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhnlvS66Vgc), which I found after it was tweeted by Alex Day. And, most recently, a video by pekstopher, called 'I like myself' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiIgtGKF3zY), which I think is just amazing, and I completely agree with her. (If you haven't watched any of these video's, watch them all now). So, I could quite easily make a video response to any one of these, but I haven't. One of the reasons being, I would have no way to make it make sense. It would be totally confused, I wouldn't understand what I was talking about, and would probably just ramble. I could plan it out, think about what I would say, but then I'd feel like it wasn't what I was truly feeling, it was a concise, condensed version of how I really feel about myself, and not the rawness that I personally would prefer to hear from. The thing is, anyway, I don't know what I would really say, because as I have mentioned before, I don't really know myself or what I'm ever thinking, properly.

Even now, I'm pretty sure, everything I just typed cannot make any sense to anyone, because it certainly doesn't make sense to me. But let me just take you into one of the less obscure parts of my mind. I am very unmotivated. During the summer I was meant to be starting with my EPQ (extended project qualification), and with one week left of summer, I have done pretty much nothing. I am really interested in the subject that I was proposing to do it on, film adaptation, but I had to make it more concise. However, I have spent no time on it, and now I feel it is way too big for me to do it all in just one week, and the only reason I haven't done it is because I've been too lazy. This saddens me just writing it, because I am so disappointed in myself. I know I am just giving up because I know I won't even make any sort of effort this last week because of the fear that I won't have done enough anyway, and don't have a plan of any sort, so I will be told by the teachers that I can't do it anymore. This would mean a whole wasted week on it. So I am giving up and blaming it on the fact that I need to concentrate on my A levels because I didn't do as well as I'd hoped at AS level. Like a coward.

There. I could go into many other things, like how everyone feels they are different from everyone else, whereas I suspect many people think in the exact same way, and feel exactly the same as the person sitting opposite them on the tube, but really, we'll never know, because we can't read minds. However, that is far too big, as is everything that I am feeling at this exact moment, or the next, or the next, to fit into this one blog. Plus, I'm far too lazy to even think about writing it all out anyway.

Strange and Morbid Thoughts

I just watched the latest episode of Torchwood, on the 5th of August. Lying in bed, I keep seeing that moving eye in my head, of a should-be-dead woman inside a crushed car. Creepy. That obviously was the intention of the writer, to creep the viewer out. Success! At this point of what you could call being scared, but what I would call being momentarily freaked out, to hold onto some sort of dignity and a sense that I'm not still a child, I would reassure myself there is nothing to worry about because it's not real, it's made up. And of course, the whole idea of never dying, never healing, yet still feeling pain, IS made up. However, death and pain obviously aren't.

If you asked me what I was scared of I'd most likely answer death or being shot or something similarly painful. I'd say this because I don't believe I'm afraid of any thing. If I faced up to it, I probably would be afraid of heights, but I'm determined to maintain the idea that I would surely be able to face a bungy jump tomorrow. So this leads me to death, or more the fact that it is probably painful in some way. This may be a strange subject to blog about, and indeed it is, but I can't help feeling that a murderer could easily smash through my window of the villa I'm staying at in Portugal and stab me in the chest, or worse, the leg, where I probably wouldn't become instantly unconscious. I often remark that I have a low pain-threshold and I can honestly say pain is something I'm afraid of.

Okay, this is all very melodramatic, I know. I probably also sound paranoid, but we all know that people are dying all over the world in, I'm sure, painful ways and it's the reality of life... and death. But no, I don't think I'm paranoid, this thought of someone dramatically bursting into my room and killing me came to me in a second and would be gone in the same amount of time had I not thought of writing it all out in a blogpost.  And yes, I also know it's very unlikely that I will ever be murdered, but you never know.

So why exactly, when I had this strange and morbid thought, did I think it would be a good idea to blog about it? Well, I never really expanded on my opening blogpost; about often forgetting things that I thought were a good idea, but never doing anything about them, hence the name of the blog. This was because I never really thought anymore about it or pondered the actual purpose of this blog. Now I suppose I have discovered it: sometimes I have thoughts and sometimes I think they're interesting. So every now and again, before I forget about this idea that I usually would within minutes, I may write about it. Or I may not. If you want to read what else I may write, well that'd be nice, but it would be your choice.

For now, however, I believe my lazy brain is done with thinking, but it may linger on the anticipation of the next Torchwood episode. Or it may fall asleep; it's ten past one in the morning.   

That's Life

Isn't it annoying when life goes wrong? You
mess up something that took time, something you put care into, for example a blogpost. And then with one accidental click, and your work, all the effort you put in, disappears. So I did write a blog post talking about death, it was all rather morbid but I felt it necessary as it is something going on in my life. But if there's something I can take away from that blogpost never to be, it's that life is too short to be typing out some 'spur of the moment' feelings again. You know it's not going to be the same and it's not going to be as good. So you may as well move on with your life and write about what is now on your mind.

A Mix of Emotions?

It's funny how your day can go from bad to worse to relatively good all in the space of a few hours. So while sitting in a toilet cubicle crying my eyes out, in the 'worse' part of the day, I wondered what I could do to make myself feel better. So, phone in hand, I open up the internet and clicked on my channel on youtube. Now, although the immediate effect of me reading my profile comments was some more crying, I eventually calmed down, pulled myself together and thought about all the people who appreciate me and my vlogs. Okay, I know its not that many people really, but it's someone, right? It made me concentrate on the fact that a lot of people don't think I'm shit, like I sometimes do. Something to be happy about right?

You're probably thinking I'm some sort of  depressed, self-centred or hysterical teenager. I'm not, by the way. I barely ever cry really. I never cry when watching films, except the other day I slightly teared up when watching X-Men: First Class. Yup. Many of my friends have left the country and school and nope, not one tear shed. But when the anger comes on, my emotions betray me. Sad, I know, but I guess that's life.

So what has this blog been about? Appreciation? Making myself feel better? Crying? Or not much at all? Yes, probably the latter. Writing to write, I guess. Well, this has been very informal. Bye.

Getting Some Things In My Head Straight... For Once

Recently the world has been catching up to me. School is like a protective bubble and it looks like its about to pop. I'm having to do independent work ad make independent decisions and that's pretty scary! But at the same time I'm excited because when you get ahold of an idea you're passionate about but have to do what the teacher's telling you, you want to expand on it in you're own way, and now I can.

 I'm applying to do the Extended Project Qualification, which enables you to do just that, a project on a subject of your choosing, something outside the syllabus. When thinking about what I wanted to do, I had no idea, and this worried me. The project is meant to be something you're passionate about and surely if you're passionate about something it would spring straight to mind, right? After a few days of not really thinking about it, I gave up, deciding I wasn't motivated enough. But not altogether. In passing I mentioned to my mum the question 'Are films better than books?' And so the idea grew from there. There are unlimited possibilities as to how to develop this answer but I settled on 'Do films tell the story better than books?' I want to concentrate more on the creative side of the question as opposed to the industry side, but I think there is huge room for expansion. I really do believe this is something I am genuinely passionate about and I am even going to take it a step further from just writing an essay by creating a short video of a scene from a book. 

As for this growing up stuff, I guess I'm just going to have to take it by the day. But I'll tell you something; you feel a hell of a lot better once you've got at least some ideas straight in you're mind, and I think maybe I'm starting to. 

The First Thought

I guess this is like an online diary, except everyone can read it. I doubt anyone will, but it's good to know they could. Good because that way I can censor myself from being too crazy. My mind can often go off on tangents and never get back on track. That's why I was never really good at writing stories as a child. I would start with a long introduction, very detailed, and then that would be half the story. The rest of the time would be spent in a mad rush to get to the ending, which I rarely did. That's why when I got older, I just gave up and marked myself as one who could not write stories, though I still had a lot of imagination. I'd say I've really started to realise this recently. See, I've started a youtube channel and I make a video perhaps every once a week. I've been going for a couple of months now and I'm up to 37 subscribers, which is quite good seeing as the videos aren't even that good, even though I think they're ridiculously funny, but I guess I have to try and see through that.

I talked about my childhood, but I guess I'm still a child really, seeing as I'm only 16. But this is the time when all the big decisions are made and I still feel far too young, this feeling is increased when I look in the mirror. I  look too young to be going to university in a couple of years! I would suppose my parents put quite a lot of pressure on me, my mother mainly, but she didn't start early enough and I've developed the ability to try and tune what's she's saying out. I'm not ignoring her advice, she just says the same the thing every time. A parenting technique both my parents have picked up. But my mother has also developed an over protection method where she believes everything she reads in high-regarded newspapers without having first-hand experience. A prime exanple of this would be my mother not trusting youtube, thinking if I have as much as my face displayed I'll be killed by a stalker. So I've kept her in the dark. Ah the woes of being a teenager.