My blog! So it's a Tuesday afternoon and I had nothing really to do, no more YouTube videos to watch, and suddenly I thought, my blog! I haven't been on that in a while!
If you are not aware, I'm a video blogger on YouTube and I haven't made a video in about a week. Although this may not seem very long, it seems more like two weeks to me, which is, of course, a lot longer. I suppose the reason that I haven't made a video yet is because I'm feeling really conflicted, I feel like I don't know where I'm at. To be honest, I would make a video about all this, as I have plenty of inspiration right now; emilythebravee's recent video, 'Not Brave' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAJODUPVF9A) and its various video responses. A video by godsteeth1911 titled 'This is Me', (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhnlvS66Vgc), which I found after it was tweeted by Alex Day. And, most recently, a video by pekstopher, called 'I like myself' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiIgtGKF3zY), which I think is just amazing, and I completely agree with her. (If you haven't watched any of these video's, watch them all now). So, I could quite easily make a video response to any one of these, but I haven't. One of the reasons being, I would have no way to make it make sense. It would be totally confused, I wouldn't understand what I was talking about, and would probably just ramble. I could plan it out, think about what I would say, but then I'd feel like it wasn't what I was truly feeling, it was a concise, condensed version of how I really feel about myself, and not the rawness that I personally would prefer to hear from. The thing is, anyway, I don't know what I would really say, because as I have mentioned before, I don't really know myself or what I'm ever thinking, properly.
Even now, I'm pretty sure, everything I just typed cannot make any sense to anyone, because it certainly doesn't make sense to me. But let me just take you into one of the less obscure parts of my mind. I am very unmotivated. During the summer I was meant to be starting with my EPQ (extended project qualification), and with one week left of summer, I have done pretty much nothing. I am really interested in the subject that I was proposing to do it on, film adaptation, but I had to make it more concise. However, I have spent no time on it, and now I feel it is way too big for me to do it all in just one week, and the only reason I haven't done it is because I've been too lazy. This saddens me just writing it, because I am so disappointed in myself. I know I am just giving up because I know I won't even make any sort of effort this last week because of the fear that I won't have done enough anyway, and don't have a plan of any sort, so I will be told by the teachers that I can't do it anymore. This would mean a whole wasted week on it. So I am giving up and blaming it on the fact that I need to concentrate on my A levels because I didn't do as well as I'd hoped at AS level. Like a coward.
There. I could go into many other things, like how everyone feels they are different from everyone else, whereas I suspect many people think in the exact same way, and feel exactly the same as the person sitting opposite them on the tube, but really, we'll never know, because we can't read minds. However, that is far too big, as is everything that I am feeling at this exact moment, or the next, or the next, to fit into this one blog. Plus, I'm far too lazy to even think about writing it all out anyway.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Saturday, 6 August 2011
Strange and Morbid Thoughts
I just watched the latest episode of Torchwood, on the 5th of August. Lying in bed, I keep seeing that moving eye in my head, of a should-be-dead woman inside a crushed car. Creepy. That obviously was the intention of the writer, to creep the viewer out. Success! At this point of what you could call being scared, but what I would call being momentarily freaked out, to hold onto some sort of dignity and a sense that I'm not still a child, I would reassure myself there is nothing to worry about because it's not real, it's made up. And of course, the whole idea of never dying, never healing, yet still feeling pain, IS made up. However, death and pain obviously aren't.
If you asked me what I was scared of I'd most likely answer death or being shot or something similarly painful. I'd say this because I don't believe I'm afraid of any thing. If I faced up to it, I probably would be afraid of heights, but I'm determined to maintain the idea that I would surely be able to face a bungy jump tomorrow. So this leads me to death, or more the fact that it is probably painful in some way. This may be a strange subject to blog about, and indeed it is, but I can't help feeling that a murderer could easily smash through my window of the villa I'm staying at in Portugal and stab me in the chest, or worse, the leg, where I probably wouldn't become instantly unconscious. I often remark that I have a low pain-threshold and I can honestly say pain is something I'm afraid of.
Okay, this is all very melodramatic, I know. I probably also sound paranoid, but we all know that people are dying all over the world in, I'm sure, painful ways and it's the reality of life... and death. But no, I don't think I'm paranoid, this thought of someone dramatically bursting into my room and killing me came to me in a second and would be gone in the same amount of time had I not thought of writing it all out in a blogpost. And yes, I also know it's very unlikely that I will ever be murdered, but you never know.
So why exactly, when I had this strange and morbid thought, did I think it would be a good idea to blog about it? Well, I never really expanded on my opening blogpost; about often forgetting things that I thought were a good idea, but never doing anything about them, hence the name of the blog. This was because I never really thought anymore about it or pondered the actual purpose of this blog. Now I suppose I have discovered it: sometimes I have thoughts and sometimes I think they're interesting. So every now and again, before I forget about this idea that I usually would within minutes, I may write about it. Or I may not. If you want to read what else I may write, well that'd be nice, but it would be your choice.
For now, however, I believe my lazy brain is done with thinking, but it may linger on the anticipation of the next Torchwood episode. Or it may fall asleep; it's ten past one in the morning.
If you asked me what I was scared of I'd most likely answer death or being shot or something similarly painful. I'd say this because I don't believe I'm afraid of any thing. If I faced up to it, I probably would be afraid of heights, but I'm determined to maintain the idea that I would surely be able to face a bungy jump tomorrow. So this leads me to death, or more the fact that it is probably painful in some way. This may be a strange subject to blog about, and indeed it is, but I can't help feeling that a murderer could easily smash through my window of the villa I'm staying at in Portugal and stab me in the chest, or worse, the leg, where I probably wouldn't become instantly unconscious. I often remark that I have a low pain-threshold and I can honestly say pain is something I'm afraid of.
Okay, this is all very melodramatic, I know. I probably also sound paranoid, but we all know that people are dying all over the world in, I'm sure, painful ways and it's the reality of life... and death. But no, I don't think I'm paranoid, this thought of someone dramatically bursting into my room and killing me came to me in a second and would be gone in the same amount of time had I not thought of writing it all out in a blogpost. And yes, I also know it's very unlikely that I will ever be murdered, but you never know.
So why exactly, when I had this strange and morbid thought, did I think it would be a good idea to blog about it? Well, I never really expanded on my opening blogpost; about often forgetting things that I thought were a good idea, but never doing anything about them, hence the name of the blog. This was because I never really thought anymore about it or pondered the actual purpose of this blog. Now I suppose I have discovered it: sometimes I have thoughts and sometimes I think they're interesting. So every now and again, before I forget about this idea that I usually would within minutes, I may write about it. Or I may not. If you want to read what else I may write, well that'd be nice, but it would be your choice.
For now, however, I believe my lazy brain is done with thinking, but it may linger on the anticipation of the next Torchwood episode. Or it may fall asleep; it's ten past one in the morning.
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